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The Burden of Comparison

As a mom and a home maker I’m constantly doing something and constantly feeling like I’m not doing anything.

It is a burden most of us carry. The burden of comparison. We always always compare ourselves unfavorably to others. If I feel tired and need a break, my mind says why do you need a break. Look at so and so she’s a mom, homemaker AND has a 9-5 job. Or so and so that has twins and no help. Or so and so that is a single mom.

We all have our burdens. You rock the boat you are given to steer and you only FEEL the depth and weight of that particular boat. And it’s okay. It’s ok to feel your boat is in rocking water.

We all seek fulfilment. We do the things we do BECAUSE we are DESIGNED to SEEK that fulfilment. For me it has been different things at different points of my life. As a mom I’m unable to pursue those things. This doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful. AT ALL. But my soul has been DESIGNED to SEEK fulfilment.

So I always try to keep a few things for myself, my writing, my online business, my reading.My me-time. My sanity. It rejuvenates me.

But It struck me today that even though these are things that I enjoy,they fulfill, but only momentarily! It is from HIS immense blessings that HE allows us to feel this fulfilment. But this TOO has a purpose. It is but a glimpse of what real fulfilment can be like. The one that comes from KNOWING HIM. our Merciful merciful kareem Rab. The Source of all fulfilment!

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You told me to Ask!

You Told me to Ask:

I looked at my sins I was distraught
I looked inside my heart, I was ashamed
I looked down at my body parts, Never again could I look back up

Yet You, You inspired in me the confidence to Ask!
Despite it all, In Spite of it all, You lifted my hands!
My sinning hands!
You moved my tongue! My sinning tongue!
And You, You gave me words, to ask!
Whilst the Cursed One whispered into my heart
My poor, wronged, weakened heart!
Scared me & overwhelmed me
Of my audacity! Oh the sheer audacity of my asking!
You poured light into my poor broken heart
You mended the holes, the scars

You enveloped me in the warmth of your mercy!
And You whispered into my broken heart:
Oh my Sinning Slave! The one that wronged her own soul!
Donot despair of the mercy of your Lord!

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The Human Psyche

Siblings & Love

When you’re little, your whole world is the home you know. Your parents, your siblings-your family. You cannot imagine a world or time without them. They are, as essential to you as your own limbs.

I remember when i was in 3rd grade maybe, i asked my mom who she loves more us(her children) or her siblings? Cz for me, little me could not understand how my mom was surviving without her siblings with her. My siblings were the whole world to me.

My mom, wise woman that she is, said i love both.

But i pressed on! I said but what if you had to make a choice, she said without hesitation that if it came to that then i would choose my children.

I looked at her in awe. My world view momentarily jarred. I couldn’t make sense of it.

As you grow older, you have no choice, you move apart, sometimes physically and sometimes emotionally because of the choices you make. But you’ll always be a part of the whole. As if limbs of a single body. And being pulled apart hurts just as it would hurt the body to have it’s limbs be pulled at.

Yet, like all pain, this too is necessary. Sometimes in order for more relationships to form, those of spouses and children. Some times for our own personal growth. Some times for financial reasons. You follow the path laid out for you. Maktub. It is all pre-written, by the Hand that sent you here and loves you in ways you cannot fathom.

And as you grow even older, children leave, spouses leave, sometimes you end up in the same places you started off from or sometimes in far flung places you never imagined.

The older you grow, the heavier the heart gets. For it has now loved and lost many times. Only to love again, eventually. All earthly love, though beautiful is ephemeral, temporary, and hence painful.

There’s only one love that’s Divine, eternal and constant. His love. And a permanent abode, to which we will return and have all our little loves returned to us for our hearts to be whole again.

Till then, we must dredge on. Weary, tired yes. But content in the reminder of His love. The One, True love!

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The Many Versions of White People

  1. White People making Small talk (committing many a faux pass)

Dr Grant:-So will your child understand what I’m saying?

Me: Yes but I’ll also help.

Dr: What language does he speak?

Me: Urdu fluently. English partially.

Dr: Certainly your English is very good.

Me: Well i had the privilege of growing up tri-lingual. My son unfortunately doesn’t. So i have to ensure over-exposure of the minority language lest he loses that part of his identity.

  1. White People trying to get an education on “Culture”:-

Random lady at Costco Entrance on my flowy Lilac Abaya:- Omg i JUST love what you’re wearing! What is it called?
Me: An Abaya or dress.

  1. White People trying to be “Cultural”:-

Gushingomg just love what you’re wearing (pink abaya). But please don’t gift it to me. I’ve been to Dubai, I know the culture! I know if I say i love what you’re wearing, you’ll gift it to me. That’s not what I meant.

Me: eh, wasn’t planning on it.

  1. White People Pretending to be “Informed” on “Culture”

Dr Julie: So you smoke? I guess not. Goes with the religion. But one must ask. One can never be too sure these days.
(& The best one so far):-

Dr Julie: Right, so dietary restrictions?

You must be halal?

Me: Em, I surely hope so. Or at least that’s what i was told.

-Perks of living in a Small Pre-dominantly White Town-

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The Three Groups in my Friend’s List

When you grow up like me, average Pakistani and then suddenly turn towards religion, your Contact’s list ends up having a variety of people which can be broadly categorized into 3 types:-

Type 1:- The ones that respect you for your newfound knowledge and ask questions like:-

*What’s the difference between Hand Slaughter and Machine Slaughter?

*What ingredients do i need to look out for in my makeup that make it halal/Haram?

*What ingredient do I need to look for in Cheese?

Type 2:- The Ones that don’t care and think you’re over-doing it:-

*Oh come on, Halal is Halal, don’t make religion difficult

*What? How can makeup be halal/Haram?

*Bass kar do. Itna nai detail me jana chaye.

Type 3:- And then there’s Type Three: MOM a.k.a (one man army;))

Halal khati ho na?

God bless our moms for keeping us grounded.alhumdolillah 🙂